


Sharky the little sh*t

by Mitch0_o



Category: Far Cry 5
Genre: (I guess, (I tried), (but still crack), (kinda in chapter 3), Bliss (Far Cry), Canon-Typical Violence, Crack, Drug Use, Explicit Language, Maybe OOC, Mention of abuse, Multi, Sexual Content, deputy/john seed implied, like punching a guy), neutral deputy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-10-16
Packaged: 2019-05-04 23:28:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14604081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mitch0_o/pseuds/Mitch0_o
Summary: Sharky was captured by Eden's Gate, but dealing with him proved to be much more complicated than expected, as the Seed family tries to extract information about the resistance from him. Be it idiocy or a cunning strategy, nothing seems to phase Sharky, who just continue to be Sharky, even in ennemi territory. Just a small crack as every Seeds tries to gain information from the pyromaniac and the ridiculous answers he gave them.





	1. What happened in John's bunker

**Author's Note:**

> I had that idea for a crack fic (I always get more ideas for crack fics than serious ones, for some reason). Will eventually have one chapter for each member of the Seed family, as Sharky is passed from one to the other to try gain information. Sorry if some characters are OOC. Put it as "M" for coarse language, probably a bit of violence.

\- Is that tatts on your arm a peacock feather? Damn, I was right! You really are the kind to jerk off in front of the mirror!

John was fuming. Yes, they had captured a notable member of the resistance, Sharky Bowshaw, but he didn't want anything to do with that idiot.

The man sitting in the chair was still talking.

\- Damn son, but seriously, tell me, do you? Because I have a little wager with someone, so he could bring me good money if you could just confirm that you do. But I guess that if I had a mug that handsome I would jerk off in front of the mirror too... not that I am you know... gay or anything, but you gotta love yourself, ya know! But that's alright if you are gay, I mean, I don't have anything against that, but I'm not interested if you are, just so you know, there's nothing I like more than the pussy; I don't want to be vulgar but...

John cut him off by violently threwing a chair on the wall of the bunker.

\- Do you ever shut the fuck off?

His outburst didn't seem to phase Sharky.

\- Dude, relax. You seem really tense, dude. I mean, you should maybe take a few days off. You know what you should do? You should go fishing. I know cool spots where you can fish sturgeons and shits.

In fact, nothing seemed to phase Skarky. John had tried his usual schitck, so sharky had two brand new tattoos on his arm written « sloth» and « lust », since he can't seem to stop talking about « pussy », but he seemed to think they looked cool. John had tried to torture him a bit by burning him, but he seemed to be unphased by it too. Sharky was, after all, a pyromaniac, so his body would already have been burn in a few spots. The “swim” in the river hadn't brought more result, and they had to get out of there fast since members of the resistance had found them. He wanted to hit him continuously, but he couldn't make too much damage, since they needed him to find other members of the resistance, but John only wanted to break his neck in a swift move.

John was wondering if Sharky really understood the position he was into, captured by the ennemi, attached to a chair, at the mercy of Eden's Gate.

Violence really didn't seem to work, so John decided to change the tactic. He took a chair and sat in front of his prisonner. For some reason Sharky had stop talking and was looking at him, like he was expecting an answer. John hadn't hear the question and decided to ignore whatever stupidity it could have been.

\- So, now that you have shut up for a minute, he said with his best tele-evangelist smile, you can answer a few questions for me.

\- Not fair dude, you didn't answer any of my questions.

\- I don't think you understand the position you are in, Bowshaw, you are not in any position to ask for anything.

\- Well anyway, Dep' is gonna come here and kick yo' ass, so I just have to wait a bit, and voilà, I'll be able to continue my crusade against overpriced beer. You're not the only one to have a holy cause, oh no mister.

\- I don't think the Deputy will be coming here anytime soon, so you better start answering my questions.

\- Well, talking about the Deputy, can you answer a question?

John didn't thought before answering.

\- What is it?

\- Be honest, you want to fuck them, don't you?

\- I want to what who??

\- Be honest, you want to fuck the Deputy.

John had to bring all of his self control to stop himself for breaking the neck of the man attached to the chair in front of him.

Seeing that John didn't answer, Sharky continued his discourse.

\- Don't be ashamed, I mean, they are kinda cool, I'd have my way with them too if I could, you know. I mean, with their consent, of course, I'm a respectable man. But you really seem to like them. I could hook you two up, if you want, I know them very well!

John sight and got up from the chair. He wanted to bang his head agains't the wall.

\- I'll answer your question, Bowshaw, and then you'll answer mine. No, I don't want to fuck the Deputy, I want to destroy the Deputy, burn their remains, and if I could, I'd bring them back to life so I could kill them again, and again, and again.

John's answer made Sharky think for a brief moment. John had answered in quite a sinister way, his perfect smile not quitting his lips for a second as he described the death he would inflict on the Deputy.

At first, Sharky didn't answer, and John was satisfied to see his answer had, for once, given the effect he wanted. But his joy was cut short.

\- I think you are lying, John. You should be honest with yourself, I mean, isn't lying a sin? I don't remember if it's a sin, it seems you add some on a whim, but really, I've heard the way you speak to them on your radio, and damn, that sexual tension could be felt by miles! I mean, even the skunks in the area were all hot and bothered by the way you speak to them. Not that I would know how a skunk is when it's all hot and bothered, but you see my gist.

Once again, John had to fight to urge to both crack Sharky's neck and bang his own head into the wall until it explodes.

\- You didn't like my answer Sharky, but I've answered, now it's your turn. Where is the Deputy?

\- So you want to see them to fuck them? There you go John, we're making progress!

Maybe he had to play his game to get an answer. It hurts his pride, but since pride was a sin, maybe he ought to have it hurt a little by that idiot if it meant getting results. He sat once again in front of Sharky.

\- Okay Bowshaw, let say I want to fuck the Deputy. I really, really want to see them so I can tell them all about how I feel. So. Where are they?

\- There you go John! says once again Sharky, happy of the result of this fucked up therapy. Don't you feel better? But I'm not sure I can tell you where Dep is, I mean, I don't know if the feelings are reprocicated, if Dep feels the same about you, ya feel me?

\- Sharky, listen to me Sharky.

John had turn to calling him by his first name, in an effort to get that idiot to be more receptive to his questions.

-Take a good look at me Sharky, don't you think they'd want to have me if they had the chance? I mean, you've said it yourself, you'd be... “jerking off in front of a mirror” if you looked like me. Don't you think the Deputy would want a chance with me? If they don't want, I'll just go away Sharky, as simple as that.

\- Man, I don't know if I can trust you. I mean, you've been a swell guy with me, going for a swim with me in the river, giving me some cool free tats, doing some fire with me... but I don't know. There is still all that murdering and pillaging you did...

Sharky really seemed to be thinking about it, and John thought that the exercice look weirdly difficult.

\- Ok John, I'll tell you, but only if you answer my question.

Christ! Thought John, that was time.

\- What question, Sharky?

\- It's for a wager, so don't take it personal. Well, maybe do take it personal, since it is a bit personal, but I really need to know. There's 50 bucks on the line. Do you, or do you not, jerk off in front of the mirror.

John Seed just got up of his chair, got to the other side of the room and just flipped a table in rage.

 


	2. Faith's Bliss

“Welcome to the Bliss!”

Sharky opened his eyes. His head was spinning and the world around him had taken a green hue. He seemed to be inside, but trees and plants were growing around him. He was still sitting on a chair, but no longer attached to it.

\- Woh! What am I doing here? I feel higher than a giraffe in Jamaica.

A young woman was approaching and he recognized Faith Seed. She was smilling to him, and he had no choice but to smile back at her.

\- Hello m'lady, says Sharky with a slight head tilt.

\- Welcome Sharky! I am so happy to see you.

\- Where's John? I could swear he was there just a moment ago.

John had abandonned. He had shot a Bliss bullet in Sharky's leg (oh he wished he could have shot him with a genuine bullet... in the head if possible), put a bag on his head and delivered him to Faith's bunker with a note sticked to the bag simply saying “Good luck”. Faith had thought John had been an idiot. It couldn't be that hard to get some information from a guy like Sharky, you just need a little patience and to be nice. John was too violent; no, you need to take them by the hand to get exactly what you want... with a little chemical help from the Bliss, of course.

\- Forget John, answered Faith, he won't bother you anymore.

\- Oh, that's too bad, we were having so much fun, he and I! Have you seen my nice new tats? What a guy...

\- Come with me, and I'll show you the path to Eden, I'll open your eyes to the real world, said Faith while reaching out for Sharky's hand with both of her own.

\- Wow, a date? Don't you think you are coming at me a bit fast there? I mean, not that I mind, you are a fine lady, but shouldn't we... you know, get to know one another a bit more? All I know about you, is that you are in some crazy-ass cult and that you like drug. Not that I mind the drug, I myself like a bit of oregano once in a while and I think 4/20 should be a national holiday.

\- This is not a date, silly, I will show you the Truth and you will understand everything. You will understand the evil the Deputy is committing on this Earth. I will open your eyes to the real beauty and follow the Path.

\- Not a date? That's too bad. I mean, I haven't had a real date with someone in such a long time. I wonder if taking outposts with Dep' counts as dates though...

\- Forget about the Deputy for a moment Sharky, just come with me.

In front of them, a high gate in white forged Iron had appeared, and Sharky had the impression they weren't inside anymore, but had been transported to a meadow with a few trees here and there, long grass and wild flowers. Sharky took Faith hand and followed her toward the gate.

\- Wow, how did you do that? I thought we were inside, and Boom! We're in a field in the middle of nowhere. Is that some kind of magic hocus pocus shit?

\- This is the power of the Bliss! Follow me.

Sharky followed her as they slowly walked in the meadow towards the gate.

\- You probably heard stories about me; that I'm a liar a manipulator. But let me tell you the real...

Her sentence was cut short by Sharky.

\- I don't think it's really safe to be walking around like that without shoes, there could broken glasses or worst, you know. I mean, what will you do if you step on a skunk?

Faith wasn't used to be interrupted like that. Her smile became distorted for a brief moment, but she regained her composure.

\- We are safe here, Sharky. Look, even the animals are in peace in the Bliss, no harm, no threat will come from here.

She extended her hand toward the side of pathway they were following to show him animals seated in the long grass. Moose, deer, even a wolf, all of them looked like they were in peace.

\- Yeah, I get it about the animals, but don't ya think it's not really an appropriate way of dressing for a walk in the wild? I don't want to insult you, 'cause you look really nice in that dress, really, really fine!

\- Thank you Sharky, but don't worry about me, no harm will come to us here.

\- Don't you know about Lyme disease? With your legs out like that, you're just a free buffet for ticks. I was bitten by a tick once, on the ass, if you can imagine, and Hurks had to dig the fucker out with tweezers. Not a nice sight, I can tell you.

Faith was starting to understand John's exasperation, but she was still hoping she would be able to extract the information she needed from Sharky. She just needed to push a bit more.

She turned around and put her index fingers on Sharky's mouth to shut him up. She smiled tenderly at him.

\- Shhhuuut, she whispered, smiling, listen to the sound of the forest.

She took his hand with both of her own again and gently pulled him to advance toward the gate.

The contact seemed to work on Sharky, who was now just smilling like an idiot (well, more than the usual).

Faith took Sharky through a path in the mountain, while explaining to him all the wrong him, the resistance and the Deputy had been doing. Sharky was entranced : the Bliss, a beautiful woman according all of her attention to him, the peacefulness of nature... maybe a bit too peaceful for his taste, but he let himself being led trough the path by Faith.

They reached an opening in the forest and Faith sat modestly on the ground. Sharky followed her and sat by her side.

\- Now Sharky, you understand why you were on the wrong side? All the bad things you did?

\- I would do bad things to you if I could, muttered Sharky under his breath. I'd show you my _pussy blasting_ technique...

\- What was that? Asked Faith.

\- Nothing, that was nothing at all.

For once in his life, he thought he had to act a bit properly not to miss his chance with such a nice lady.

\- So, continued Faith, now that I've opened your eyes, I'd like to do the same thing to the Deputy. Can't you see how happy we would all be together, as brothers and sisters? Don't you want your friends to see for themselves? Just tell me. Where is the Deputy?

Sharky was torned. On one side, he wanted to please Faith, she had been so nice with him and he wanted to tap that ass, but on he other side, there was that little voice in his head, not unlike the Deputy's voice, that was repeating “Wake up Sharky, wake up!” He wanted to give Faith what she wanted, and everything felt so nice here, but at the same time, a bit too peaceful.

There was something Faith had not accounted for: Sharky was used to drug, and it would took more than a small dose to knock him off. Even if the Bliss was a new chemical combination, it's molecular structure was close enough to some of Sharky's past experiments. Thus, the Bliss was starting to fade in his system; the world still had that green hue about it, and his vision was blurry, but some of the things around him were starting to change. He was completely disoriented.

On his right, white crated had appeared, and he started to see that they were sitting beside a field of bliss flowers.

Faith must have seen something change in his eyes, because she suddenly looked alarmed. Sharky got to his feet, trying to get where he was. Faith followed suit and tried to get him another dose of Bliss powder, but she hadn't been fast enough: Sharky had seen his favorite kind of toy on one of the white crates. A flamethrower was there, just inviting him, begging him to try it.

\- Wow, you even brought my favorite! You really are a cool gal!

\- No, don't!

But Sharky hadn't heard her, as he started burning the bliss field with his new toy.

In a few minutes, the whole compound was reduce to ash and Sharky regained all his senses in a field of ashes and burning remains of plants, crates and vehicules. Faith was nowhere to be seen.

\- Woh! What a weird dream! Exclamed Sharky, now alone in the middle of nowhere.

Somewhere not far from there, Faith was screaming into her pillow.

 


	3. Extra chapter: at John's Ranch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is an extra chapter with the deputy looking for Sharky at the wrong place and stumbling upon something they didn't expect. Thanks to Harlekin6 for the idea!
> 
> I tried using "they/them for the deputy", it feel weird to read and write, but since I had started like that on the other chapters, I had to continue, so the Deputy is whichever gender you want.

The Deputy was tired. They had been looking for Sharky everywhere since he disappeared, for now more than ten days ago. They had gathered he must have been kidnapped by the cult, and some member of the resistance had stumble upon a baptism on the river with John himself putting a head in the water that look a lot like Sharky's, so their best guess had been that Sharky was John's prisoner.

Dep' had a hunch there was two possible location where Sharky could be held on John's territory: the bunker, or the ranch. So after an intrusion in the bunker all by themselves, mission impossible style, they hadn't been able to find neither him nor their colleague Hudson, so Dep' decided to head to the ranch instead to try their luck on that side.

The full moon was high in the sky when Dep' arrived at the ranch, and there were few patrols going around. Being alone on their mission, they didn't want to raise hell, so they decided to go stealthy and just seek Sharky inside the propriety without alarming anyone, taking out only cultists that stands in their path.

They got inside by a door on the back of the garage, and stayed down while exploring it. They entered the hangar and retained themselves from tagging John's plane with a big “No, Fuck You” (or just NO, that would probably be enough), and Dep' inspected the annexes and slide inside the house without a sound, taking down two cultist that were making tea in the kitchen. They continued to explore the first floor. Nothing. There didn't seem to be any prisoners on the compound, but Dep' wanted to be sure before retreating into the night. They would hate themselves if they retreated too early to learn they would have been that close to liberate Sharky, Hudson or anyone else that could be held prisoner on the premises.

All that was left to see was the second floor of the huge ranch. Mansion could have been a better word to describe a place that big, and the decoration, bordering on kitsh, was undoubtedly on the “wooden lodge for rich bastards” kind of place, so exactly John's style. Dep hated those stuffed animals just looking at them with their dead plastic eyes.

Still crouching, Dep got up the stairs to inspect the few rooms remaining there. All the lights were closed and there didn't seem to be anyone one the second floor. The ranch was weirdly empty of cultists that night. Approaching a first room, Dep' heard some sound. Something that sounded like a grunt. Was there someone up there with him? Was it a cultist, a prisoner? Dep' crab-walked to the source of the sound. A faint light was coming from under the door. They were going to open it, when they froze on their place. A voice was coming from the room. A man' voice. John's voice.

\- Oh yeah, you like that, hein Deputy?

Dep' felt their blood freezing in their vein. What was that? Was he talking to them? How could he know they were there. They just stood in place. No one was coming by the stair, so John hadn't sounded the alarm. Beside, he was the one grunting. What was he doing there? The temptation was too great to ignore, they had to know.

Still crounched with a hand gun in one hand, Dep' opened slightly the door to peek inside the room. The red rose to their cheeks.

John was stark naked in his bedroom, facing a mirror on the wall, his hand occupied by a swift movement on his shaft while he was beating his meat. Dep' couldn't help but stare at John's large back and his arms covered in tats. And that ass. The heat was rising each time John uttered the word “deputy” in the heat of the action.

And then it hits them: “Shit. Sharky was right. John really is the kind to jerk off in front of a mirror. Now I owe him 50 $... Better finding him to give him the cash.”

And they retreated into the night, still flustered by what they had witnessed at John's ranch.

 


	4. Jacob's Den

Faith recaptured the poor Sharky and promptly shipped him to Jacob. Jacob would know how to deal with someone like Sharky, and while his methods didn't please Faith, she had to admit it worked, and it would work even more with such a difficult character as Sharky. Because if there was one thing Jacob Seed didn't tolerate (apart from bullshit I guess), that was the weak. And Sharky was weak, Faith was sure of it. He had to be.

Like John, she had delivered the prisoner with a bag on his head, the note stating this time “Nope. Deal with that.” and nothing else. Jacob had sighted deeply when he understood who was that prisoner; he didn't have time for buffoons, and like his younger brother, would normally have promptly killed the man if they hadn't needed him to find the deputy, and the rest of the resistance by the same way. Two birds, one stone. But that is only if he can make him talk.

Jacob was the eldest. He didn't have that unwavering pride that would be the end of John nor that blind trust in exterior help like was Faith with the Bliss. If you want things to get done, you have to do it yourself.

So Jacob had attached Sharky on a chair and sit him with the others in the conditioning room. The air inside the building was warm and humid, a tense atmosphere hanging in the stale air around the participants in the red tinted room. Half a dozen prisoners were seated in front of the white screen that day, frozen in fear facing what they knew would kill them or worse, transform them into something akin to a bloodthirsty monster, activated by the will of Jacob Seed.

The wait had gone long enough, and Jacob signaled to one of his soldiers to start the process. Pictures of wolfs and decaying bodies appeared on the white wall that served as a screen, and after a few minutes, Jacob crossed the room to make his speech.

\- The world is weak. Soft. We have forgotten what it means to be strong. Our heroes used to be gods. And now they're...

Jacob was stopped in his monologue by a loud sound. Something akin to a growl. Was there a judge in the room? No, that sound was something else, Jacob knew his judges. It was something deeper, like it came from the depths of the Earth. What could be making such a sound?

Jacob turned his head to the corner of the room from where the sound was coming. The prisoners were holding their breath, not knowing if everything was going as Jacob intended, not daring trying to loossen the leather belts that held their arm in place.

Jacob made a step toward the corner of the room, and then, he saw it... Sharky was sleeping, drool dripping from the corner of his mouth, the rattling at every snoring. Angry by both Sharky's sleeping and his own reaction, Jacob punched Sharky on the jaw, waking him on the spot.

\- Sorry, sorry, I felt asleep, you know, the warm room and all, I just dozed off... Why did you punch me?

Jacob didn't answer and returned to the center of the room, facing all the prisoners. The pictures were still being projected on the white screen and he got back to his discourse.  
\- Now, as I was saying. Our heroes used to be gods. And now, they are godless. Weak. Feables. Diseased. We let the weak dictate to the powerful and now we are shocked to find ourselves adrift

He paused, letting his words hang in the air a few minutes, for emphasis.

\- But history knows the value of sacrifices. Of culling the heard so it stays strong.

Another moment of silent, but that one was cut by Sharky.

\- The herd? And there I was thinking you were a pack kinda of guy, you know, the wolf thing and all. I mean, with all those pictures you are showing us, if I didn't know your family, I would say these were your photo album.

Jacob didn't want to even acknowledge the comment. He made a slight hand move toward one of the Chosen guarding the room, and the man wearing the red balaclava stepped inside the room and punched Sharky. The other prisoners didn't know how to react to that.

\- So, is there anything else, or we can continue?

Not a sound in the room, apart from the creaking of the old wooden floor under the weight of the chair and the steps of Jacob and his crew. Sharky kept his mouth shut.  
Jacob's patience was wearing thin, and he was near the point of not being able of stopping himself from gutting the guy right here and now.

He continued his monologue where he had stopped.

\- Again and again, the will of the many have outweighted the will of the few. This how we survived. And now...

Another pause for emphasis. Looking toward the corner of the room, Jacob saw that Sharky was yawning and drowsing off again. Another swift hand movement, and the man in the red balaclava slapped Sharky.

\- Sorry, sorry, he exclaimed, repressing another yawn. Just go on, I'm listening, said Sharky, like he just woke up in the middle of an English class in middle school.

Jacob had never seen someone with such an attitude in the position he was in. He didn't know if it was a direct affront toward him inspired by courage, or if the man was just an idiot. From what he knew, he thought it was probably the latter, but who knows. After all, both Faith and John were unable to gain any information from the man.

\- And now, the bill has come due...The Collapse is uon us. And when a nation that never knew desperation and hunger descend into madness. We will cull the herd.  
\- Again with that herd thing. But quick question Jacob, are you a furry? like for real, I mean, I won't judge you if that's the case.

Another punch landed on Sharky's jaw, but he didn't seem to care.

\- Oh wait, I think you're the other one. Not the furry, what is it... I can't remember, but I know...

His sentence was once again cut by the man in the red balaclava, who didn't stopped with one punch and swinged his fist on Sharky's head and torso, again and again and again.  
He stopped after a few minutes. Once again, the room was in complete silence.

\- Bring that man in the other room, I'll finish with him later, said Jacob.

Sharky was transported out of the room. Regaining his composure, Jacob finished his job with the other prisoners and got to his war room.

The behavioral process with the music box was quite complicated, and Jacob feared Sharky had been voluntarily trying to stop the whole thing. Did he knew what he was doing? Or was he just an absolute idiot? Why couldn't he just gutted him with his hunting knife? Sometimes, he didn't understand what Joseph wanted. Jacob was just his soldier, he was doing everything his brother asked, but sometimes, he was wondering. Like now. Who care about that Bowshaw guy. That deputy would show themselves sooner or later, no need for that idiot.

He decided to go see him. Maybe he would be able to gain precious intel and would be allowed to dispose of him.

When he entered the room, Jacob noticed the blood dripping from Sharky's nose. His right cheek was swelling, his lower lip was split, and the bridge of his nose was starting to turn a weird color between yellow and purple. But there was still something in his eyes. Was he really looking at him that defiantly? Did he wanted another beating? No. It was something else. He looked like a child who wants to please his teacher with a good answer.

\- I remember now, said Sharky, his words slightly deformed by his lower lip swelling. You're an otherkin, like a wolf guy who thinks he is a wolf. That explain the judge thing and the small fur thingy in your neck.

No. That's enough. Fuming, Jacob got out of the room before he would gut that idiot for real. Someone else will deal with that shit.  
Slowly, he came down the stairs, passed the door and crossed the lawn of the old veteran hospital. He continued walking, his men wouldn't dare asking him what was wrong. White as a sheet, Jacob entered the forest and walked for half an hour. He found one of his judges alone in the wood and sat on a rock, his hand nonchalantly scratching the back of the wolf ears.

\- He saw right trough me, muttered Jacob in the silence of the forest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter done, I guess there still the one with Joseph. Sorry for the wait (if anyone was waiting for that crack, which I doubt...), I thought it would be nice to continue that Sharktastic story with more idioties.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, thanks for reading my stupid fic, I love Sharky (I bring him to almost every mission for some reason...) and I wanted to write something about him, but I can't get serious with such a character. Sorry for any mistakes, still learning and improving my English, and writing is a good way to do it, but it means I have to make mistakes to learn from them.


End file.
